heartonfire's Blog

Me
Current mood:   pensive

I have yet to find someone who understands me, or who is even remotely like me.  I dont even understand myself, how can anyone else understand me.  Ever since i was a little girl, i have always felt that i didnt belong here somehow...on this earth...as if i belonged to a different time, a different world...as if i had landed here by accident.
I felt too much...i hurt too much...i loved too much.  Every thing i felt, was much more intense than others.  I knew that i was meant to become a singer, it was so clear in my heart that that was the path i was meant to take.  I loved music, with a passion...i lived for music...
I had a terribly lonely childhood, and i got through it by locking myself in my room, and practising my singing.  I learned as many songs words as i could, and i sang them with immense satisafaction.  When i was singing, i felt complete....i practised being on a stage, and in front of an audience.   I wasnt allowed to go out or do anything that normal teenagers did.  I was teased at school, and i was terribly shy.   In grade 4 , i started writing poems.  Reading was also one of my passions.  I loved living and losing myself in the stories.  I dreamt of true love, romance, and other worlds filled with wonder.
I have always felt that there is much more to this life than what we know....and i felt that i had known what it was, i just didnt remember.  My mind kept going over all the emotions inside of me, trying to make sense, to dissect them, but it was no use.
Today, i have this strange sense that i have not aged at all.  I feel as if my spirit is still young, although my body tells a different story.  I cant stand seeing people hurting inside, i long to reach out and make it all better for them.  I cry for their pain.
It is very confusing to me how  my body can feel so old and tired, and yet my spirit still feels so young.  All the years that hav passed, seem to be just a dream, that didnt really happen....and i am still a young girl....shy, afraid, insecure. 
I get along so much better with younger people, than with people my age, and when my daughters bring home friends, i find myself talking and laughing with them...fitting in perfectly...understanding the 'place' they are at.  And yet, i have this knowledge and wisdom inside of me that i gained through the years.  I am a sensible mother, a friend, a responsible adult.
I am drawn to young people who are shy, and dont believe in themselves.  I cant stand the thought of them being alone because they feel they are not good enough, or are too sentimental or emotional, or even just 'weird'.   I find them so beautiful, and i long to take away their pain, and sit down with them and tell them that these things arent important, and that, as they grow older, these are qualities which are respected and admired. 
Many young people come to me for advise, and i love to make them feel good about themselves, and know that they are loved, and as important as anyone else  on this planet.
When i am among people my age, i feel inferior to them....i become that shy and insecure person i was when i was young.
I have so much love to give, it is bursting from inside of me...and i dont understand how people can hurt each other so much.  Why cant they just love someone with all their hearts, and be faithful, and honest and truthful. 
I still dream about that love....that great, all consuming love that can rise above everything...that can overcome all the falseness of this world.  I dream of being with someone with whom i can be myself, every little bit of me...even the parts i dont understand yet.  Someone i can love without feeling that i am smothering them, or being possessive or jealous.  Someone that loves me with the same intensity....who is as complex and confusing as i am...who can be young , and yet have the wisdom that life teaches us.  Who doesnt question why we feel a certain way,..but just 'goes' with it...
Someone who FEELS with all their heart and all their soul, and loves the way that i love them.  My soulmate....
I will keep believing that there is someone like that out there for me, until the day i take my final breath...i will keep on dreaming..